Totally Point-list: Top Twenty G.I. Joe Vehicles That Would Have Been Impractical In Real Life



One of my favorite cartoons of all time is GI Joe: A Real American Hero, It had one of the most successful Toylines of the 1980's. As a kid, I love seeing the vehicles that they pushed kids into pestering their parents as the cartoon was just a 30-minute commercial. When the Show premiered back in early 80's they had started out with a few standard military vehicles and such. Then after awhile, those vehicles could only get the show and toy line so far. So they had to get creative and come up with new designs that wouldn't have otherwise made a lot of sense in the real world. In other words, most of the vehicles made it to the toy shelf and cartoon wouldn't have made it past concept much less R and D.

Can you imagine these vehicles on the news, as a reporter trying their best not to laugh as a Cobra Buzz Boar as it coming tearing down the battlefield? Or as a soldier awkwardly operating Silver Mirage (more on that and Buzz Boar in a moment.) Here are twenty great example of how impractical they really are.


20.Joes: SHARC

How Impractical Would It Have Been? SHARC stands for Submersible High-speed Attack and Reconnaissance Craft, a sub and airship hybrid. First of all, this would be totally impossible for it to fly. It also wouldn't be practical as a submarine either. In order to operate the SHARC, you have to lay on your stomach, going to be encountering a lot of vehicles like this. Its design is the problem, as its wings and body are too short for it to fly. Also, its cannons which are inside the wings themselves would weigh it down and compromises its propulsion. Sorry Deep Six, this bird isn't gonna fly or swim.


19. Cobra: Moray


How Impractical Would It Have Been? The Moray looks intimidating as hell, but the problem isn't so much with its design, but with its payload would slow it down. That's if it could go into its hydrofoil mode. If it did, the Moray would possibly keel over and toss its occupants into the water. Whoever design this for COBRA would probably be fire or place in front of a firing squad, either way, that guy would be toast.


18. Joes: Ram / Silver Mirage



Yo Joe.Com

How Impractical Would It Have Been? First up, the RAM, as this thing has a freaking Gatling Gun attached to its body. A 2OMM VULCAN CANNON! It would compromise its speed and steering.

The Silver Mirage on the hand, would also run into a similar problem, with it having three riders occupying it, plus its payload would greatly reduce its speed. Also, it freaking silver that would have stuck out like a sore thumb and in the military, you can't afford such a flaw like that.


17. Cobra: Battle Barge


How Impractical Would It Have Been? It wouldn't have much to do with its practicality, but more with it aesthetics. What says, you're a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world?
So one of COBRA's engineers let his eight-year-old nephew creates a barge with guns going in all different directions and then puts radar dishes in the middle of it and call it a day.

Judging from the looks the Barge itself, it doesn't have any real means of propulsion meaning that barge is floating free out there in the water. Also, if the Joe's have snipers on hand, those dudes are screwed!


16. Joes: LCV Recon Sled
  


How Impractical Would It Have Been? Aside from not getting a cool codename, the L.C.V. Recon Sled is also one of the worst looking out of the bunch. Another vehicle where the rider has to lay down on their belly in order to operate this thing. It looks uncomfortable. Especially going over really rough terrain with a glass canopy over your head.  It also seems slow and only it means of protection is two machine guns on each side so it ammunitions is limited. It's probably not going to end well for the rider. So I feel sorry Joes who had to drive this thing. 


15. COBRA: MAMBA

How Impractical Would It Have Been? Look at this thing! I mean, look at this! It has three separate cockpits, two rotating blades. It's impractical in its design, thanks to the two extra cockpits weigh it down. Even if the Mamba does manage to get off the ground there is an issue with the counter rotating blades. If either of the blades, happen to slow down hitting an air pocket, they would collide with each other causing it to crash and burn.

Also, what's the propose of the extra cockpits? As they don't even make a lot of sense looking at them. Plus, they those things aren't going to fly far since their wings are too small and no tail fins. Wondering if the same COBRA engineer let that same eight-year-old nephew create the Mamba? Cobra Commander needs to stop letting his engineers bring their children to work.


14. Joes: Swampmasher

How Impractical Would It Have Been? I really can't see the Swampmasher in an actual combat situation. I can't see any reason where the military could need something like this. This is the first Joe vehicle that has someone hanging on in the back, feel sorry for the Joe who had to piggy back on this thing. I could see this vehicle going mudding in the back woods of Louisiana, but not military combat.


13. Cobra: Buzz Boar

How Impractical Would It Have Been? What. The. F**k? I don't even know where to begin with, the Buzz Boar. For Starters, How is the driver suppose to see where they're going? Another thing is how would it have stayed up right? Come On! It's intimidating if you're a ground keeper and it's destroying the grounds of a park, otherwise, if you're a soldier, you're probably just going to laugh your ass off.


12. Joes: Arctic Blast

How Impractical Would It Have Been? A Joe vehicle design for Arctic warfare, I really hate to be the Joe that had to drive or ride on the Arctic Blast. If this thing was design for speed, those Joes are running the risk of hypothermia. Also, this thing has no means of protection, a good shot from a sniper or a well place shot to the tire and it's bye bye Joes.


11. COBRA: Condor Z25 


How Impractical Would It Have Been? Another vehicle that splits into two parts. The plane as a whole would be too heavy to support itself. If that wasn't bad enough. The wing of the Condor is loaded with bombs!

As I stated, it separates into two planes, which presents a new set of problem. The fighter part of the plane wings are too small and body is too long, and without a tail fin would be unable to steer correctly or steady itself meaning it would crash.


Speaking of which, the tail fin which now acts as a gun turret for the bomber part of the plane is problematic, to begin with. Because now the tail fin itself is now in the front also shouldn't be able to steer the bomber correctly. Okay, who kept coming up with these designs?


10. Joes: Sky Hawk 


 How Impractical Would It Have Been? Well, looking at the Sky Hawk, it looks like a helicopter without its body. Its only means of propulsion are two rotating engines, as it a VTOL. Meaning, with its two engines, it wouldn't be powerful enough to get off the ground. The Sky Hawk would need at least two more engines. The Sky Hawk isn't fit for military service.


9. Cobra: Dreadnok Thunder Machine

How Impractical Would It Have Been? The Thunder Machine doesn't look at home on the battlefield, but more suited for Mad Max. Given the toy was released a year after Beyond Thunder Dome. It has two rotating guns up front and a jet engine in the back.

While the guns look intimidating, they are in a fix position and isn't going to shoot straight forward, since the guns are pointing at a slight angle. It has a jet engine, so the Thunder Machine requires jet fuel instead of gas.

Also, another vehicle where four people can hang off it. If the driver hit the gas and that being a jet-powered vehicle, those Dreadnoks are going to fly off that thing, and I'm pretty sure that COBRA doesn't have hazard pay.


8. Joes: Mudfighter
Dumb code name

How Impractical Would It Have Been? The Mudfighter has a dumb codename. This fighter is airborne and not on the ground base, so the name is idiotic. The plane has a large fan-like propeller instead of a tail fin. Steering and stability would be a huge issue. But the biggest problem isn't just the propeller or the stupid codename, but its payload.

The Mudfighter is overloaded with bombs, it would be grounded. Even if it did get airborne, it would probably nose drive crashing into the ground.
WAY TOO MANY BOMBS!!!



7. Cobra: Fang II 


2 Fang 2 Furious

How Impractical Would It Have Been? Now I could have gone with the original Fang since it's was a flying armchair with weapons strapped to it. Instead, I went with the Fang II, it's even worst with the design. It has six missiles, four of which is situated around the pilot.

Another vehicle where the pilot is unprotected, besides missiles, he has to worry about getting shot down or if he got up to stretch his arms outward, he'll be maimed. Wondering how many troops Cobra lost their lives to the Fang II? It probably in the triple digits.


6.Joes: HAVOC


How Impractical Would It Have Been? The Heavy Articulate Vehicle Ordinance Carrier is one of the most absurd names in the G.I. Joe line. As well as the most impractical vehicle in terms of defense. The gunner is positioned on top of the vehicle, putting them in harm's way. While this is another vehicle where the driver and passenger have to lay flat on their stomach, and glass canopy top which would shatter.

The HAVOC has a reconnaissance craft that pops out from the back, which naturally doesn't have any protection either. According to the back of the box, it's fan powered, but judging by the toy's box art, it looks more rocket propelled. A lot of box art is like this. Anyhow, if it's propelled by rockets, then it's going to do damage to the back of the vehicle.


Another vehicle where Joes are piled onto the vehicle. Why don't they just put on shirts that say "SHOOT ME", Because the thing going at least five miles and whoever riding on this thing is going home in a pine box!


5. Cobra: ASP


How Impractical Would It Have Been? The Assault System Pod is a deathtrap. It basically just a turret on wheels, with a roll cage frame, and no protection whatsoever! When elevated it becomes an easy target for the Joes to shot at. That's just standing out in the open. I don't know who's more inept in their design choices, GI Joe or Cobra?
This is a death trap!!


4. Joes: Skystorm



How Impractical Would It Have Been? Well, the Skystorm looks like a fighter jet had sex with a helicopter and this unholy abomination was born. As a helicopter, it doesn't make a lot of sense. Normally a helicopter has one blade, but this has four blades. By the looks of the blades, they wouldn't be strong enough to lift into the air. As a jet fighter, it wouldn't work as the wings are too small for it to function, and the blades are I assume, are supposed to function as wings for the vehicle.
As the Skystorm body wouldn't allow for it, cause it to crash into the ground. I would like to know the person that suggested this thing? Because this would only be at home in a cartoon.


3. Cobra: BUGG




How Impractical Would It Have Been? 
Okay at this point you can tell that Cobra was running out of ideas for designs. So they threw this thing together and called it a day. The BUGG is one of the worst looking vehicles in their arsenal, and that saying a lot. First of all, the color scheme, green on red just screams Cobra, doesn't it?

The Bugg has a pod that operates as a submersible. Launching it is one thing, but retrieving would be a whole nother issue. I can't stress about the glass canopies as the one thing that the Joes and Cobra seem to share. How breakable those things are.


2. Joes: The General


How Impractical Would It Have Been? The General wouldn't just have been impractical but expensive. Probably in the hundred of million if not billions. This mobile fortress would only be practical in certain desert regions it's that big and wouldn't be able to fit anywhere else. Another problem with the General would encounter would be with its fuel consumption, it would need a tanker's worth of fuel to run it, and even then the cost for that would be astronomically high as well.

The General is a mobile launch platform, which in itself is the biggest problem! Because this thing is moving at the pace as the sand crawler in Star Wars. Also, this means that it is a large target for Cobra to shoot at. Hey... Um... You know what would be cheaper than The General? A FREAKING BASE WITH A PLATFORM THAT'S WHAT!


1. Cobra: Flight Pod (AKA The Trubble Bubble)



How Impractical Would This Be? Well, this is the most impractical vehicle in Cobra's arsenal. The Cobra Flight Pod or as it's known on the cartoon the Trubble Bubble, It looks as menacing as the Tea Cup ride at Disneyland. It looks like a giant hair dryer with guns and missiles attached to it. How would this thing get off the ground and stay up? More or less how would the Flight Pod stay upright without wobbling out off of control? Its propulsion system would be severely compromised by the fact that it would have used jet fuel to power it. Which means that this thing would probably run for a few minutes, tops. No wonder why this thing is called the Trubble Bubble, its more trouble then it's worth. 


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